Smiling
by csiAngel
Summary: JC. Set late season 7. A simple question forces Chakotay to re-evaluate…


Title: Smiling  
Author: csiAngel  
Rating: K+  
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek Voyager  
Season: towards the end of s7  
Summary: A simple question forces Chakotay to re-evaluate…  
A/N: I've actually been working on two other Star Trek Voyager fics, but this one wanted to be written. I'm just glad to have finished something!

… … …

Chakotay stepped into the Captain's quarters to find her sitting at her desk. Though, in truth, he had expected nothing less, he still shot her a reprimanding look.

"Please tell me you're at your desk because that's where you decided to eat dinner?" he implored, the teasing a welcome reprieve from the cycle of thoughts that had brought him to her door.

Her lips curved ever so slightly into a sheepish smile. "I think we both know why I'm at my desk."

Chakotay made a show of rolling his eyes. "Kathryn, this is your _down time_. You should be reading or taking a bath."

"I have been reading," she retorted, gesturing toward the stack of PADDs to her left.

"Not quite what I meant."

With a wider smile, she stood from her chair and made her way round the desk. "And seeing as you obviously need to speak with me, you should be glad I'm not taking a bath."

As Chakotay's heart did a traitorous little skip at those words, he saw the briefest pause in Kathryn's steps, no doubt as she realised what she had said. Or perhaps because her heart too had skipped, taking her back, as it had him, to the one time he had been witness to an interrupted bath.

Whatever the direction of her thoughts, none of it showed on her face.

She stopped two feet away from him and asked, quite evenly, "What can I do for you, Commander?"

He could, if he felt so inclined, read into her use of his rank here as an indication that her thoughts had travelled back in time as his had, and she was reminding herself of their positions. And in the past – in the recent past even – that is likely what he would have done. Using that brief glimpse of the possibility that she was as affected by him as he was by her to keep him content and to give him hope. However, a simple question posed several hours ago, had forced his thoughts to look more closely at this bond that kept him tethered to Kathryn – Was he imagining it? Was he holding out hope for something that would never happen? Could he truly be happy to continue like this indefinitely?

It was the last consideration that had eventually led him here. He knew this was necessary. But he found himself terrified.

"I need to… talk to you about something, and you're not going to like it," he told her, frankly.

Her brow furrowed now, concern clouding her eyes. "Are you all right?" she asked him, her voice quiet, almost fearful.

"I'm fine," he assured her, quickly, "The ship's fine; the crew's fine."

"Then what is it?"

He fixed his eyes on her face to watch her closely. "Seven asked me out."

Despite his studious observation of her features he caught only a split-second of a reaction that wasn't utter calm and it was so ambiguous that it could generate hours of speculation as to what it meant.

"I see… Well, I suppose, she isn't technically under your command… I see no problem with it."

He bit down the unwarranted anger that provoked. "You see no problem with it?"

"Well, Seven is young –"

"Too young for me?"

"You know what I mean. She's young in terms of her emotional and social development. She's vulnerable… But I know you'll take care of her."

She smiled again, as if trying to convince him that she meant it, then she moved towards her replicator. He remained where he was standing but his eyes tracked her as she walked away. She ordered coffee, then continued, "So, if you are seeking my permission, or my blessing, you have both."

He mentally noted that she hadn't offered him a drink.

"That's not why I came."

A slight drop to her shoulders implied that she knew that.

Without turning, she cautioned, "Chakotay —"

"Do you know what I will deduce from the fact that you can't stand close to me for this conversation? I will assume it's because you have feelings for me beyond what you tell yourself is acceptable… I will tell myself that it's crushing your heart to think of me with someone else… I will convince myself it's because when you stand that close to me you feel like you're losing control of the dam that keeps all of that in check… But it's all just conjecture, Kathryn. And I could be imagining all of it. It could be just wishful thinking on my part…"

She did turn around now, as he had known she eventually would. Kathryn Janeway was far too brave to hide from this conversation. Squaring her shoulders, jaw held high, her eyes fixed on his, she waited for him to get to his point.

"It's been enough. I was prepared to wait indefinitely… But, then, there also seemed no possibility that there'd be anyone else to even consider."

"I can't –"

"I know. And I'm not here to ask you to… I just need to know that - … that you want to… I will live the rest of my life by your side, knowing this is as close as we get. But I need to know that I haven't imagined that this goes both ways."

"Chakotay, I can't ask you to do that."

"You don't have to ask. Just tell me I haven't imagined it," he explained with a patient smile.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "That seems like the same thing."

"As does the fact that you haven't yet told me that I _am_ imagining it all," he pointed out, emphatically. He chanced a step closer. "But I need to _know_, Kathryn. I can make every conversation we ever have, every look we exchange, fit into this idea of us that I have in my head. And I would be content for that to be how it is… But if I am seeing something that isn't there; if you would still resist when we get back to Earth, then I need to let go."

"So if I tell you I don't feel the same, you'd date Seven?"

"No. I turned her down."

"Then why are you here?"

"Because I need to resolve this before someone else comes along. I need to know where I stand… I'm sorry – and I warned you that you wouldn't like it - but when Seven asked, I realised that this is only enough if I can be sure that we're in this together… And because I realised that Seven deserved the truth as to why I won't date her. I'm in love with someone else. But, she shouldn't be the first one to hear that."

She visibly tensed at that admission and when she spoke her voice was edged with warning. "Chakotay."

"You say you can't ask me to wait. But surely you can understand that I couldn't enter into a relationship with anyone without admitting to them that I'm hung up on someone else. That wouldn't be fair."

She held his gaze in silence for several seconds then admitted, "No… What _did_ you tell Seven?"

"I said that I'm her superior officer; it wouldn't be appropriate."

"How did she take it?"

"She pointed out that, by that thinking, the only person on the ship I can date is you," he told her, risking a smile because that response had amused him, and he knew it would amuse Kathryn if she let it.

He saw her mouth twitch toward a smile before she remarked, "Ever logical."

"She added, though, that the same reasoning would prevent you from dating me."

"So this impasse was inevitable."

"Inevitable… Probably even _fated_," he smirked, finding himself buoyed by the fact that she still had not denied having feelings for him, and that she seemed slightly more relaxed since it became evident that Seven had not been hurt by all of this.

She lifted an eyebrow in a fairly good imitation of Tuvok. "You believe you were fated to spend your life at a remove from the woman you love?"

"I believe I was fated to spend my life with you."

She looked on the verge of exasperated despair – and as if she thought he was completely crazy. "Is there anything I can say that would disabuse you of that notion?"

"Yes… Tell me you don't feel the same."

"We may _never_ get back to Earth."

"I'll put a more positive spin on it when I'm with the crew, but I do know that."

"If you're hoping that at some point I'll let my guard down and… change my mind about keeping our distance, I can't promise that will happen."

"I know… I don't need any such promise. Kathryn, seeing you every day makes me smile. And I would hope that seeing me every day does the same for you… And, ultimately, isn't that what love's about?"

"Smiling?"

He did so. "Every day."

And he held his smile, directing it squarely at her, until she couldn't help but reflect it.

Then he told her softly, but pointedly, "I'll leave you to your bath, Captain."

And he headed for the door, feeling so much lighter than he had when he had arrived with his fear that the conversation was going to very differently.

He had taken three steps away from her quarters when his communicator activated.

"_Janeway to Chakotay._"

He stopped, the smile falling from his lips, a sensation of dread settling in the pit of his stomach. Surely, even Kathryn Janeway couldn't have overthought this in thirty seconds.

He almost didn't respond. Almost.

"Chakotay here."

There was a pause. He was about to respond again when she said, "_Join me for dinner?_"

And his smile returned. "Let me know when you're finished with your bath."

He could hear her smile in her voice as she replied, "_Will do._"

THE END


End file.
